Gave me the power to smile

With the tides, the waves come and go. No matter how small, the swash leaves behind traces of joy and meaning. Though the ocean do not divide us, distance and time exerts a greater force. But like the depths of the earth, I share a deep gratitude for the moments we did share. Even in their brevity, the shifting sands shape the dynamic beach.

I mourn and celebrate for what was: the laughter, the company, the simple acts of connection that made my world. With some, without knowing, helping me find my reflection and worth. Every friendship, even those that drifted away, gave me something invaluable—a reason to smile, a moment of belonging, a chapter worth cherishing. In those moment, I found something comforting, familiar, like family found in unexpected places. The photographs I look back on are not just records of the past; they are testaments to the love that once was.

I have often wrestled with the reality of growing apart, questioning whether busyness or priorities determined our fates. Everyone has their own journey and destination; paths may cross, and without effort, they drift apart. So, the echoes of the meaningful connections haunt the scars of rejection – which reflects more of my lack of anchorage. Nevertheless, to all the friends I have lost and those who remain distant – thank you. Thank you for the memories that live on within me. No matter where life takes us, your presence in my story has given me the power to smile.

-Written on 2025/02/23

Letter to Snoopy

Grief is normal. Pain is normal. Yet, it does not make either easy to go through. I recall a neuroscience study explaining that for some, mental anguish is akin to physical trauma. Just like how words hurt as much as sticks and stones. The mind and body are adept at avoiding pain. It is so good that it has a whole process to appreciate grief.

The stages of grief—denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance—were, in my perception, a linear progression. However, from personal experience and anecdotes, I have learnt that it is a messy road . On this journey, we might find ourselves with a flat tyre, unable to move. The hardest part is when we have a spare tyre, yet we still struggle back on the road. Grief is complex, and being physically apart due to a pandemic didn’t help.

I never really know where I am at. At times, it is difficult to talk about it without tearing up. Then there are moments like this, where I feel comfortable talking about it but I struggle to read through the letter I wrote for his funeral. I wanted to share it here, to commemorate what my dog, Snoopy, meant to me. An unexpectedly meaningful quote from a Marvel TV show, WandaVision, resonates: “But what is grief, if not love persevering?” That is what it feels like. Love so strong I am not ready to accept the difficult reality. So, I am not at the end. I do not know when I will ever be. That is okay, and I can appreciate the process. To love so dearly means I have learned to live like a dog. So, thank you, Snoopy.

The top half was written on 2024/04/21.


My Letter to Snoopy below was written for his funeral. I attended it online due to international border lockdowns from the pandemic in 2021.
“Dear Snoopy,

Thank you for being the joyous family member that would bring happiness and unconditional love to the world.

Big or small, I will miss all of your cute quirks. From the morning, you would greet me with the sloppiest of kisses. Then you would gleefully walk, mark your territory, and unnecessarily bark at others to protect our family. At home, you would accompany me, nap with me, and playfully help with chores. Spa treatments were your speciality – although I doubt al our friends enjoyed such passion. The best was always being bathed by your excitement and love when we return home to your jumps and toys!

You taught me to be grateful for every moment and I forgive and care with all my heart.

In return, I treasured our time together and gave you fun memories: from your early walks; you socializing freely with your friends at the dog park; us causing a ruckus with your basketball; me crawling and chasing you around the house; to me just petting and kissing you every chance I get.

I am sorry for scolding you and arguing in front of you. My impatience and lack of understanding meant it was never your fault and you were the best boy you could be. I hope you also firgive me for all my absence, but know I always love you.

You lived a very happy life full of love and fun. Thank you for being my best friend and partner in crime. You will forever be with me, and I look forward to petting you again. You are a good boy and always will be. I love you very much Snoopy.

Love,
your brother and your personal morning walker,.

Life in his Hands

In the chaotic emergency department, a doctor fights desperately to save the life of the departing paediatric patient. As the doctor pumps the child’s heart, his mind races with a tumultuous mix of determination and doubt. His effort not helped by his colleagues’ years of experience – who call themselves specialists. The urgency of barking orders replaced by the relentless beeping of the medical machines echoing despair.

Each chest compression delivers diminishing hope. Yet it carries the weight of years of medical knowledge, and the heavy burden of responsibility.

Amidst the turmoil, the father screams anguished cries for his child’s survival. Clutching a soft toy Elmo, he aggressively begs for the return of his only son. He shakes the Elmo in front of his child; offering it as if he is bribing for his child to grab it. The doctor’s determination grows but the inevitable means he dies a little inside too soul breaks as he is pumping the child’s heart.

This is not a scene from a television drama. This is reality. Miracles are rare, and deep down, everyone knows it. As the room sinks into a heavy gloom, a moment of silence envelops them. It is a silence that feels painfully real for all.

In the midst of this heart-wrenching scene, the doctor’s emotions spill over. The junior doctor, who has faced death before, breaks down uncontrollably. This is not their first encounter with loss, nor will it be their last, but the gravity of the situation weighs heavily upon him. Never has he held the life of a child in his hands, nor experienced the profound impact of a family member’s desperate prayers, pleading for his efforts to succeed. It is a poignant reminder that doctors too carry the weight of emotions and the burden of their limitations; that life is fragile and precious. So, we should all treasure those we love.

-Written on 2023/07/03

Conditional

The relentlessly rain casts a gloomy shroud over the dim streets. His worn work shoes slogs through the flooding, filth-ridden sidewalk. Defeated by the ringing of the phone, the echo of the traffic gets drowned out by the buzzing of neon lights. This city is suffocated by melancholy; its beauty obscured by the frenetic pace of life.

Amidst the crowd of chaos, his attention is captured by timid eyes and a shivering tail. He pauses, lowers the tear-soaked burrito from his mouth. He steadily approaches the pouch of fur to offer what is left of his meal. In a flurry, the dog ravages through the remains, devouring every ounce from the ground. Time stands still as he observes the reflection of a lost soul in the puddle between them. Hesitant but pitiful, he reveals an umbrella. Sheltering the puppy, he leads the newfound chum to his home.

As seasons shift, fallen leaves dance upon branches once more. Turbulent winds disturb their intertwined fates, yet their unbreakable bond endures. Through kind eyes and a wagging tail, he discovers profound truths. Their connection thrives on care and attention: he provides sustenance and sanctuary, while the pup offers unwavering companionship and treasured moments. This support is not wholly unconditional but embodies the transformative power of love. Beyond the arduous struggle of survival, this companionship ignites life into his weary spirit and fuels the perpetual love for man’s best friend.

-Written on 2023/05/23

Eye of the storm

Amidst the tempestuous seas of doubt and uncertainty, a courageous boat sets sail on a perilous odyssey. What started as a well-defined expedition, grows hazy amidst the relentless storm. The howling winds of self-criticism threaten to capsize its fragile spirit. Yet, the unwavering presence of the captain keeps the boat afloat against the endless waves.

Amid crashing doubts, a guiding light emerges. In the heart of the merciless storm, this love draws the boat into an anchorage of belonging. In the eye of the storm, doubt vanished in the calm breeze. Encouraging whispers fanned their flames. Doubts turn into steppingstones, obstacles are viewed as opportunities, and their focus charts a path to treasure once more.

As they prepare to re-enter, their strengthened hearts navigate toward the treacherous waters. Buoyed by unwavering drive, their dreams defy the unforgiving world…

-Written on 2023/05/15

Spark in the Core

Each with dreams, locked or unknown,
Trudging through necessities, end up a drone.
Another statistic not on my feet,
Dread in motion, end in defeat.

Frozen backstage, a fragile dance;
A perilous step, fraught with chance.
Roll the dice? Not feeling lucky.
Scammed to dream. Feeling schmucky.

Spare me and forsake me feeble.
Effort in blight? No, I won’t rebel.
Destine for greatest? Destined for prize?
Left in the excuse of compromise.

Spark in the core, buggy coding?
Power life with only foreboding?
Dread my dreams remain unmet,
Deep inside it screams regret.

-Written on 2023/05/13

Backstage

Procrastination is a complex routine that I struggle to master.

It is a fickle partner, that can both lead and trail me. It brings me into a state where time stands still, sheltering me as the noise of the world fades into the background.

So I remain backstage, too scared to face the stage and what I have become. I know deep down that I lack the courage to confront it. Did I want to break free from this abusive dance? one that taunts me from giving my greatest performance?

Yet, I yearn to dance – I want to live. Maybe it is time to accept that there will be missteps and sometimes I will stumble or fall. Perhaps I can start embracing myself as I am, flaws and all.

-Written on 2023/03/11

Reflection

When our eyes cross, it is hypnotising. For empathy, stupefies one into your mind.

As the show goes on, you grin through your gritted teeth. Painting a wistful gaze as you drift carelessly in the void. This is not you.

You shed as much as you could, but the weights still bears down on you.

Wounds take time to heal, yet you pick at your chronic scabs. You rebleed. You feel alive, but it petrifies you. Hastily you cover up the mess. Anything is better than feeling.

Do not be blinded by the rejections and unrequited affection. For it does not reduce your worth. Beyond the valleys live the love from friends and family; and deep down you know I love you too.

Your eyes reflect the nostalgic ember for what you once were. Maybe not in a day, perhaps not for years, but I believe you will love yourself again. You just have to let it bleed and understand the pain.

Then you will reborn a beauty beyond what you once were. But for now, I will avoid your eyes. Because I do not want to fall any deeper; I fear I would be trapped too.

-Started 2018/3/16; Completed by: 2020/5/2

My White Lie

What happened?

Why did it happen?

Who do I blame?

When will things be okay?

How do I get out of here?

It was 2017: How I craved for someone to hug me and tell me everything was going to be okay. However, not only was it a fib, but it held some truth.

5 years of dreaming: racing to my goals and yet the finish line grew further and further away. It was as if I fractured my leg, collapsed from exhaustion and throw in a heart attack too. Because that is what it felt like: I was stuck, in pain, and dead inside.

I would do anything to feel alive again. I strenuously exercised just to feel like I was bettering myself. I played games obsessively just to feel like I achieved something. I socialized more than ever, just so I did not feel lonely. Still, I felt no different – a failure.

No! I accelerated my passion of videography. I travelled and explored the world. I even danced as an extra in a concert! All whilst I procrastinated learning Malay; because studying it meant I was giving up on the hope of a job in Australia. I would be giving up on myself.

So, I did both! Fought hard and studied a language for 4 months. Isolated from my friends and family, the madness was drawing me in. Thankfully, with support especially from my mother, I passed. Scored a ‘C’ and learnt a whole new language – I should be proud.

Ultimately, it did not delay the inevitable. I called every week – sometimes days – just begging. Woke up early at 5am to get the worm. The rejections exponentially defeated me. So, with the dwindling determination I had left, I made my last final gamble. I flew there.

After all… just maybe they would end my misery – the uncertainty.

Then in the vast, empty, desert-like days, the answer came. I rained tears of joy.

I finally made it. I crossed into the next chapter of life.

Maybe I did not want to see it. Maybe because for once, reality was harder to face. I finally figured it out years later at the end of 2019. The truth was everything was a mess. I just wished someone else told me that no matter how chaotic and uncertain life was, it was going to be okay… Because I was tired of lying to myself that it was okay.

What: What happened was my dreams did not come true and my hopes were crushed. I felt like I had no future because my strength to fight for my dream job was fading.

Why: I held unrealistic expectations, and I did not plan for failure as an option. Additionally, I forgot to appreciate my other great achievements along the way.

Who: Things just happen – for better or for worst. Forgive others and forgive myself.

When: In 2017, my future was uncertain – yet it was always going to be alright.

How did I get out: I rolled the dice and Believed that no matter the outcome, I will make the best of it. I made everything okay.

-Written on 2020/03/31

Complacent

Crusty eyed, you greet your fully charged companion. The heat from the perpendicular sun is negated by your luxurious air-con; you snuggle further into your comforter. Not like you had much going on anyway.

Time for fun! Time for the daily grind as you lay on your back. The treasure ain’t gonna collect itself ya’ know. And score! You win! Reap the rewards and bath in the achievements. At least you are climbing up levels here.

The tummy rumbles and boy are you hungry; but you aren’t a loser – let’s go again! This is bullshit! F*ck it, you’ll win the next one. What time is it? Perhaps time to get up. You know when to stop. You are in control. What a great run that was; bet the one after will be just as good. You can’t wait… so you don’t.

Your companion’s battery runs dry and so do your lips, reality kicks in. How do I charge her up? The game must continue. So now you are on a chair against the wall. Seems you are getting somewhere – physically at least. Yet the nest is still a mess.

What is happening? Why are you doing this? What are you running from? Where was the dream? Where is the lifeguard when you need one? Can’t you swim?

Would you admit it? At least to yourself maybe? Or are you scared that you not strong enough?

Maybe because it hurts more than you could imagine? But you’ll never know why…

Hey LOOK! Well done! You completed your daily grind. I guess time for you to be productive. Scrolling has never been easier with social media. Oh right, maybe you’ll chat with that old friend too; now is the time like any. What’s next?

*Ping!* Would you look at that. Time for another round…

You don’t want to know why. 

-Written on 2017/04/15